Just got back from our weekly grocery shopping trip and my feet hurt like fuck. I thought it would be a good idea to wear heels today. God I am so impractical sometimes. But the lower half of me is so cute today.
Nearly cried in the car on the way back, when my mum was talking about her early days as an international student, and all the things they did to save money bc to get out of china one needed to take out a considerably large loan at the time (communist china sucked. Everyone was poor) and it was meant to be funny and these other old Asians (I have no idea who they are, I just know they have a son here, and a granddaughter who is half Chinese and half Korean and tag along with us every Saturday sigh) laughed along and so did my mum but I was trying my hardest to not burst into tears bc it makes me feel like an ungrateful and spoilt little brat. I owe so much to my parents, and it's something I can't (won't) forget. Especially when I complain about not having a life bc of school and wanting to ditch an ordinary life in favour of something exciting. Life out of a suitcase.
Everything makes me want to cry nowadays though. I don't understand myself. I've changed a lot. I barely even remember how I used to be. I used to be really conscious of how i act or what I say, and I made an effort to be less antisocial and be all peppy and not scared of people which I am glad I did because now I'm pretty damn good at small talk with like old people or strangers when the need arises, but I literally just say whatever shit comes to mind now around people I know and it ends up more awkward than small talk lol. They are probably thinking "fuck what the hell happened to her over the years".
But I'm having all sorts of thoughts I never had before. Sometimes I'll hate how I look. Sometimes I'll hate who I am. I guess it's just because I feel the time for deciding who I am, goals or whatever, is coming to an end and i should be the girl I want to be by now.
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