There's an entire scene in that movie which was earth shatteringly clever but simple at the same time, and as I nodded along I couldn't help but feel a longing for who I used to be.
[voila, the scene when Nana meets with Yvette and Yvette says it's not her fault she's miserable]
Moi, je crois qu’on est toujours responsable de ce qu’on fait… Et libre…
Je lève la main, je suis responsable. Je tourne la tête à droite, je suis responsable. Je malheureuse, je suis responsable. Je fume une cigarette, je suis responsable. Je ferme les yeux, je suis responsable.
J’oublie que je suis responsable, mais je le suis… Après tout, tout est beau…
Après tout, les choses sont comme elles sont… Et la vie, c’est la vie.
This is how I think. This is how I used to think. I haven't been the most rational person in the past week though. I've been a mess, if I'm honest. Because I don't know how to feel, or why I feel so much at once, because I'm so used to not caring that I don't know how to stop caring about someone. I want to ask so badly what it is that went wrong, or if anything's wrong at all because if someone was doing something that pissed me off or upset me greatly I would speak up, but I can't bring myself to chase after him when he walks away.
People confuse me so much sometimes, and it scares the fuck out of me that one day can literally change everything. And then I hate myself for not doing anything to change it when I can and should. I've played this game too many times before, so I understand if he is avoiding me, because that's what I did as well, but I never thought it'd hurt this much being the recipient.
I will do something about it, I promise.
But it's not just him, to be honest, I'm just having a shit time at school. There's so much work to do that I live in a perpetual state of panic, and I'm sad when I think about the amount of people around me who are too complacent to live any life beyond the mundane ritualised tedium their parents have in mind for them. And that some are ok with it. It just makes me want to work harder so I can see the world, while swearing under my breath that I won't let their reluctance affect me. I'm not scared because others are, that's just stupid.
We've found a place for schoolies though, and I must say that it's pretty sick. We're heading to Avoca Beach, which happens to be near Terrigal, which is where half my grade happens to be going. Found out the other day that when people said Terrigal, they actually meant Avoca Beach so now I'm kind of pissed that there's gonna be so many people there. The house is actually amazing, there's one room which looks like the room where we first meet Daisy Buchanan in the movie. I'm going to have a blast photographing that.
My friends, lovely as they are, aren't very keen on getting drunk though, and really, it's probably going to be the only thing I want to do so I can forget the entire fucking HSC year.
Also, I'm really excited that we're doing Ted Hughes' Birthday Letters in English and that the whole focus is going to be the decay of his marriage with Sylvia Plath, because she's my favourite poet ever. No one understands just how excited this makes though, or how Sylvia Plath's poetry literally gives me tingles over my whole body, and makes me want to cry half the time, because of the sheer magnitude of her emotion in her poems.
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